I can’t help it, I keep promising my self to post more than just personal rants but it’s not happening! Somehow all my ideas of fashion and lifestyle posts get vacuumed in the black of black holes and I’m left only with raw personal emotions that I feel I need to put out and somehow filter.
I guess we’ll carry certain masks, forever.
I’m currently experiencing another tonsillitis (FYI), last one was in August and it had the unsettling experience of waking up during a panic attack, not breathing, unpleasant, very much.
It’s a couple of days that I can’t sleep, due the sickness, or who knows, maybe all the mental turmoil that I have constantly with me.
I’m listening to this song: Click! and time it’s passing as you would eat pop-corn and realise you got to the bottom too quickly.
What do I possibly have to say that people are interested to read? Why they should read what I write? What I think?
Colors and sounds from my past came back right into my present, as loud and as violent as they could. I am strong, I am fierce, but it shattered me a little, unsettled me. I know that certain things will always be with you, always, but they fade and you forget how powerful emotions linked to it can hit you.
So I felt disappointment again, a raw, intense pure string of disappointment. How can they not understand? How can they not see that their talks are so fucked up that it doesn’t make any sense? How could possibly, ANYONE, say that they want to know how you doing and be in your life and at the same time say that they can’t support you being who you are, because that will mean choose between you and their ideals. How does this even make any sense? Maybe I’m stupid, maybe I’m too proud, but I don’t get it. It hurts so badly when your “family” comes from void, and they just project all their frustration on you. They beg for attention, but at the same time they keep putting their facade on. You just want to scream I CAN’T TAKE YOU ANY LONGER, I HAD IT! Then you do understand tho that there’s pain in their words, that for as fucked up they are, they are suffering. Do I see the pain? Yes. Do I care? Maybe. Am I going to change anything? NO.
It took me 28 long flipping exhausting years, begging for death EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, to conquer my fears and choose between my “life” and me, and I chose me. I chose me, and I will carry on choosing me. The day that I survived my planned suicidal day, I looked at my self in the mirror and promised that I will never compromise my identity, who I am, for anyone anymore, no more hiding behing cameras. Friends, Family, Work, Gods. Here I stand, I won’t, I’m proud, maybe stubborn, but I won’t bend down, even if it means shutting off people that are suffering, even if it means being the “evil” one. I’m done condescending, coming to compromise. You WANT TO BE IN MY LIFE? Then you take me as I am and you are a supporting piece, as I will be for you, full stop. You can’t? You can’t due to religion, personal opinions, but at the same time that makes you suffer? Tough, now walk off.
I’m living my life at full, I might be poor, I might barely make it to the end of the month, but if there’s one thing I’m not going to do anymore is allowing my self to disrespect my self. We all do it, when we let our emotions sometimes get over us and stick with toxic people, toxic relationships, fucked up jobs.
Also, to that fucker that keeps trying posting on my blog, telling that what I do is shit, that I’m no artist, that now gets even weirder because he tries to scare me referring to “potential” people I have around. First of all, if you really want a conversation going, have the balls to give me your details, I’ll be happy to give you a call and discuss all your point of views. I guess its too easy to hide behind a screen? Second, apparently you care about me more than you try to show? As you are the first one to reply to my posts, my videos, any shit that I do. So please baby, get a grip, get a life and get over me. Also, learn how to spell properly next time you come for me.
Now that this grime is out of my chest, and I won’t go back to it anymore, let’s move on.
Creatively wise things are going well, I need to keep reminding my self that at the end I only started less than a year ago. So, everything that I’m achieving at the moment its amazing (maybe lots of luck too). I produced my first ever multi-art experience night, which it had an amazing response, so much support from those who came, incredible; for a moment, for a glimpse of a moment, when I saw all the performers on stage being clapped at, the smiles in the audience, for a ephemeral instant I felt proud of my self, my real self.
I hit a massive creative identity crisis right after that, not knowing how to direct my energies, what to do, why doing it, etc; I can say tho I’m working my way out of it.
There are lots of new things coming up at the horizon, which I’m very very thrilled by, and you’ll soon all know a bit more (if you actually give a shit about it, but if you read till here, I guess you do, and I truly love you for this).
For soooooooo many years I wanted to badly to feel part of a tribe, feel part of hub that gets me, and accepts me and sees me how I really am, and life as soon as you give it a chance helps you bringing these people close to you. Some of them for a night, for a while or for an eternity and that’s the beauty of it.
I am very thankful to all the people that are really part of my life, and they know how much I care for them, how much I try to be part of theirs.
Keep chasing serendipity folks.
Lots of Love 💙,