Hey pops, hope you are doing better than me! It’s definetely true what they say, once you hit 28 your body starts to rotten! I’m nearly 30, WTF! (I was 5 yesterday!) I feel like I’m 12, still trying to figure out the sh*t out of my life and here my body decides to give me a taster of years to come, a nice horror trailer.
I had a cold for the last 37 Jurassic ages and every week a new muscle of my body gets strained. Honestly, get done with me now!
Anyways, apart from my usual complaints today I wanted to get away from my usual “sitdownandlistentomyshit” post and move to something more entertaining.
As part of my research for my next piece, I’ve been digging the internet for good documentaries and movies, and there’s one I’ve seen last Saturday that its still running around in the empty spaces of my skull!
Its called “In the Crosswind” or “Risttuules”, a beautiful piece of visual art, that takes place in Estonia during the Siberian post 1940ies Russian deportation of Estonian, Latvian, Lithuanian and other ethnic minorities. Those people were condemned to hard labour work in awful condition, parallel to a concentration camp. The story follows Erna, her husband and their daughter, towards a journey of desperation, suffering and liberation.
So, far you might say “Oh well, clique heart breaker war stories”, correct, it would have been exactly that if they didn’t decide to use tableau vivant as main medium of storytelling. Trust me, the trailer just below doesn’t give justice to the amazing visuals, emotionally charged scenes and beautiful, incredibly beautiful and well thought storytelling.
What I liked the most was the incredible effortless in portraying such an heavy subject with almost a worshiping interest. The director of photography did an amazing job in conveying feeling and emotions through breath-taking scenery. I’m not going to say much more as I don’t want to spoiler it to you; so if you have a couple of hours and you find yourself wasting your time refreshing Instagram feeds, or keep seeing “There’s no one around you” on Tinder, please stop… and watch this piece of art.

Have a nice Sunday folks, just keeping this post simple and breezy.

Will soon update you with something else!

Lots of love 💙,
Andy.

P.S If you fancy give a stalk I added some new pictures from the “Glasgow Burlesque Festival 2017“, don’t forget to follow me on @hyperion.nyx on Instagram and if you are free on the 1st of December 2017 come and see me at the “Half Moon” show at the Custom House, Leith, where I will be doing a visual art theatre piece!

I can’t help it, I keep promising my self to post more than just personal rants but it’s not happening! Somehow all my ideas of fashion and lifestyle posts get vacuumed in the black of black holes and I’m left only with raw personal emotions that I feel I need to put out and somehow filter.
I guess we’ll carry certain masks, forever.
I’m currently experiencing another tonsillitis (FYI), last one was in August and it had the unsettling experience of waking up during a panic attack, not breathing, unpleasant, very much.
It’s a couple of days that I can’t sleep, due the sickness, or who knows, maybe all the mental turmoil that I have constantly with me.
I’m listening to this song: Click! and time it’s passing as you would eat pop-corn and realise you got to the bottom too quickly.
What do I possibly have to say that people are interested to read? Why they should read what I write? What I think?
Colors and sounds from my past came back right into my present, as loud and as violent as they could. I am strong, I am fierce, but it shattered me a little, unsettled me. I know that certain things will always be with you, always, but they fade and you forget how powerful emotions linked to it can hit you.
So I felt disappointment again, a raw, intense pure string of disappointment. How can they not understand? How can they not see that their talks are so fucked up that it doesn’t make any sense? How could possibly, ANYONE, say that they want to know how you doing and be in your life and at the same time say that they can’t support you being who you are, because that will mean choose between you and their ideals. How does this even make any sense? Maybe I’m stupid, maybe I’m too proud, but I don’t get it. It hurts so badly when your “family” comes from void, and they just project all their frustration on you. They beg for attention, but at the same time they keep putting their facade on. You just want to scream I CAN’T TAKE YOU ANY LONGER, I HAD IT! Then you do understand tho that there’s pain in their words, that for as fucked up they are, they are suffering. Do I see the pain? Yes. Do I care? Maybe. Am I going to change anything? NO.
It took me 28 long flipping exhausting years, begging for death EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, to conquer my fears and choose between my “life” and me, and I chose me. I chose me, and I will carry on choosing me. The day that I survived my planned suicidal day, I looked at my self in the mirror and promised that I will never compromise my identity, who I am, for anyone anymore, no more hiding behing cameras. Friends, Family, Work, Gods. Here I stand, I won’t, I’m proud, maybe stubborn, but I won’t bend down, even if it means shutting off people that are suffering, even if it means being the “evil” one. I’m done condescending, coming to compromise. You WANT TO BE IN MY LIFE? Then you take me as I am and you are a supporting piece, as I will be for you, full stop. You can’t? You can’t due to religion, personal opinions, but at the same time that makes you suffer? Tough, now walk off.
I’m living my life at full, I might be poor, I might barely make it to the end of the month, but if there’s one thing I’m not going to do anymore is allowing my self to disrespect my self. We all do it, when we let our emotions sometimes get over us and stick with toxic people, toxic relationships, fucked up jobs.
Also, to that fucker that keeps trying posting on my blog, telling that what I do is shit, that I’m no artist, that now gets even weirder because he tries to scare me referring to “potential” people I have around. First of all, if you really want a conversation going, have the balls to give me your details, I’ll be happy to give you a call and discuss all your point of views. I guess its too easy to hide behind a screen? Second, apparently you care about me more than you try to show? As you are the first one to reply to my posts, my videos, any shit that I do. So please baby, get a grip, get a life and get over me. Also, learn how to spell properly next time you come for me.
Now that this grime is out of my chest, and I won’t go back to it anymore, let’s move on.
Creatively wise things are going well, I need to keep reminding my self that at the end I only started less than a year ago. So, everything that I’m achieving at the moment its amazing (maybe lots of luck too). I produced my first ever multi-art experience night, which it had an amazing response, so much support from those who came, incredible; for a moment, for a glimpse of a moment, when I saw all the performers on stage being clapped at, the smiles in the audience, for a ephemeral instant I felt proud of my self, my real self.
I hit a massive creative identity crisis right after that, not knowing how to direct my energies, what to do, why doing it, etc; I can say tho I’m working my way out of it.
There are lots of new things coming up at the horizon, which I’m very very thrilled by, and you’ll soon all know a bit more (if you actually give a shit about it, but if you read till here, I guess you do, and I truly love you for this).
For soooooooo many years I wanted to badly to feel part of a tribe, feel part of hub that gets me, and accepts me and sees me how I really am, and life as soon as you give it a chance helps you bringing these people close to you. Some of them for a night, for a while or for an eternity and that’s the beauty of it.

I am very thankful to all the people that are really part of my life, and they know how much I care for them, how much I try to be part of theirs.

Keep chasing serendipity folks.

Lots of Love 💙,

Andy

I’m such a liar! I promised I was going to review at least a new place in Stockbridge every week, but I failed miserably! I’m sorry!
What’s going on in my life?
Well, few days ago was my birthday, and my first birthday ever! Didn’t do much, after you spend your whole life not celebrating your day of birth, well you don’t really care, but other people do, and it was amazing to see how many actually cared! Some of them wrote amazing and beautiful things, maybe copied from some Google search quotes, but still, they thought of me!
It’s also my first year out of a mind control cult, that drove me to the brick of suicide and nearly left me lifeless, which it did unfortunately for so many other people that couldn’t manage to fight the status-quo and decided to terminate their lives. So, my thought goes to them, to all those trapped beings that couldn’t escape the terrible prison.
I finished reading an amazing book “In order to live” by Yeonmi Park, and it talks about her journey to freedom from North Korea, I couldn’t help it but find my self sobbing in tears understanding to the core her feelings. There’s 8 milion people of Jehovah’s Witnesses trapped in an imaginary North Korea, that can’t help it but to think that a sky version of Kim Jong-un can actually read their mind, or control the weather.

I can’t recommend it enough to read that book, it’s so liberating and eye-opening, also reading what a North-Korea defector had to go through physically and mentally to survive, it’s heart breaking.

Being queer and an ex-cult believer, sometimes still messes up with my head. I wake up in the morning and I need 2/3 minutes to understand what kinda of dream I am living in. Then I realise it’s life, real life, so you smile and embrace the whole of yourself, not leaving even a bit outside you, not denying anything and this is the most liberating and fulfilling feeling.
If happiness exists in this world, to me means being truly yourself and living and accepting yourself to the full.

I have never been happier, of course its tough, when you lose in a blink of an eye all the figures now belonging to your past, when in a blink of an eye your life changes direction, when you have now so much unconditional love that you don’t even know how to deal with it! It’s tough, but freedom, real freedom feels amazing. Freedom from judgments, freedom from labels, freedom from people opinions’s expectations, freedom of speech, freedom of though. It’s like for the first time I can actually walk in my skin, I can actually breath and taste food for the first time.

I just wish all the people that are part of a universe that now hasn’t got anything to do with me anymore, to wake up, to research to never give into fears and start exploring what living really means, what mind control is, what cognitive dissonance is and how the brain works.
I wish they could see beyond made up lies, I don’t say it because I want them back in my life, it doesn’t belong to me that decision, I say it cause I wish they could take their lives back themselves.

Live, love and prosper.

Some more juicy adventures coming soon!

Lots of love,

Andy

Hey guys, happy Saturday! Since I’ve moved to this gorgeous part of Edinburgh I actually never spent much time getting to know my neighborhood, which is a pity considering Stockbridge is one of the most visited area of the city and also has the highest grossing charity shops in whole UK (Wikipedia says so). Therefore after spending some days recovering from a nasty tonsillitis, I’ve come up with a plan, reviewing at least once a week a place in Stockbridge, as actually little is known and there are plenty of hidden gems in this middle-class galore.

As I sometimes do, I spend Fridays by my self, reading a book, contemplating how f*cked up life is etc etc, then while watching an episode of “I am Jazz” I decided to grab a book “Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind” -an enlighting book for those who like me have little knowledge about evolution, and want to know more in a very explanatory and satisfying way- and head out.
I was recently speaking with a friend about a new bar that opened up in Stockbridge, called the “Good Brothers” were they serve organic and bio dynamic wines, married to tasty food. Being not more than 200 steps away and known for my incredible lazyness at times, the choice was a no brainer.

Good Brothers Review: 4.5/6
As soon as I walked in, I directed my self to the window seat, comfy, isolated and pretty enough to look like a cool kid sitting there.

I get welcomed by a lovely smile, that brings me the menu and gives me some space to decide.
As my usual, my decision-making skills are terrible, so when the waitress comes back I was still trying to decipher the writings on that A6 piece of white paper.
I tell her about the article that I read regarding the place and the fancy wine they serves, she suggests me to talk with the owner: a friendly guy that comes over and help me making a choice (which it basically consisted in me nodding, quickly reading the menu again and pointing at something with a smile and confidence of someone that knows what he’s doing). I proceed ordering an “estate sauvignon“, de martino (sauvignon blanc, casablanca, chile). Tasty, nutty flavour and I could definitely taste the organic side of it, it seemed less tampered and more palatable -but what do I know, I’m not a somelier!-. What I have to say is, that they really look after they clients, not sure if they were scared of me leaving the table without paying the bill, or if it was sincere interest but they came to my seat roughly a dozen of times.

On their defense I was really taking my time in doing anything, but well, it was Friday night!
I ordered a courgette risotto some 20 pages after (yep, I was reading in the bar! Fancy huh?), which it was a bit salty for my taste and even if risotto has to be hard on the palate I still wonder if it was a bit under-cooked, but I enjoyed it anyways.
I finished by ordering another glass of wine, an “anjou blanc“, pithon-paille (chenin blanc, loire, France). A very rich in flavour and fruity undertones, a lovely wine for sure!
I have to say that Good Brothers is a great place, where I will totally go back; the clientele is interesting too, middle-class white privileged men and women attempting their social affirmation, talking about potentially useless things. The music tho, nope, that was the only downside, the music was totally out of place, kinda r&b – rap, that didn’t suit the vibe at all, but at the end, I was the miserable one by my self, usually people don’t even listen to music in bars, or do they?

PRO:
Great Wine
Great Prices
Friendly Staff
Fancy Crowd (if you are into people watching)

CONS:
Music
The Stool was rather uncomfortable if I gotta be picky – LOL

Thanks for reading,
Lots of 💙

Andy

Hello gorgeous people, I want to start apologising for not being able to update regularly, so many things have happened!
Life has been so kind lately, giving me all sorts of chances. The biggest ever is that I have been selected as a participant for DEBS (Dancers Emerging Bursary Scheme) with the multi-award winning director and performer Al Seed as mentor! I am so delighted and excited I can’t wait to start!
It means a lot to me at this point of my performing career to get some sort of confirmations. When professionals start believing in you and in your ideals, when you see that at the end you might be very crazy but it’s actually an interesting crazy that even established artistic organisations decide to trust and invest in you, yes, it’s a step forward.

I am also planning my talk-show with Radio Summerhall, it’s such an exciting team and I am really glad they got me on board! It will be broadcasted live on Facebook, so you an extra chance to see my hilarious face talking  sh*t (hopefully not :D)! Will tell you more as soon as it’s all set up!

I’ve met so many interesting people lately that are really proving that this world is such a cool and amazing place to live in, and I’m so so happy to be part of it, can’t believe I lived so many years in a total darkness of such outstanding side of humanity!

Honestly I never felt so much better in my whole short existence!
I actually want to thank all my amazing friends. So supportive and brave, thanks for all your love, thanks for being on my side!
My true family 💙

I dedicate this post to you, I would have never been where I am now without all you incredible and unconditional love! Thanks from the deepest corner of my blue heart!

Lot’s of love 💙
Andy

r”It’s not about passion. Passion is something that we tend to overemphasize, that we certainly place too much importance on. Passion ebbs and flows. To me, it’s about desire. If you have constant, unwavering desire to be a cook, then you’ll be a great cook.” – Thomas Keller

I think a title like this should attract people to read it. As I am a total loser when it comes to SEO, tags and relative sh*t, I can only come up with absurd and luring titles.
Anyways, the main point of this article is I am addicted to men magazines. The style, the gloss, the amazing pictures (and the hot models in it, LOL).
I am like a moth in a wool shop, and devour them, first with my eyes and then I just digest all the words. Sometimes I read so fast that the words and the lines get misplaced, confused, mixed and I don’t know what I am doing, were I am reading, but I carry on, like a marathon, I can’t stop it.
I don’t know what gets me the most, I believe it is down the fact that I truly envy these successful people, not their money, not their beauty (Unless you are Jake Gyllenhaal, then I’m greener than the Witch of Oz). I envy the fact that most of them had a thing, ONE, and they became good at it, they worked on it and progressed till the point were it gave them results.
Me? I bounce from one flower to the other and I seem unable to keep my mind on just one -flipping- main focus. What’s wrong with me, GOSH!
So in a desperate attempt, I dream while reading their stories, and blah blah, the first 45 seconds I am in a super awww-like status, then I realise I hate them, well not really but sorta, they are there on those shiny pages wearing they fucking Dolce and Gabbana that possibly has already abused of 12 kids in China for the making, while looking splendid, and I am here.

So I close the magazine in a rant of pain, and nearly threw it on the other side of the office, I wish I did that, at least it would have been a nice distraction for my colleagues; instead I leave it on the side of my desk. I check it from time to time and hope that the front cover magically has my face instead of the handsome man who invented blablablabla.
C’mon I write a blog, I do boylesque, isn’t enough to be on the front cover of Esquire? Or GQ? I’m funny too and I date pizza! I’m not ashamed!
Apparently not.

Honestly I do feel inspired by these people, but I believe these magazine somehow create a sort of dependency, by passively aggressively proving you are not enough. “You can’t afford this Cartier watch? Too bad… I know, look how amazing it suits him! Only £5000” Who fucking has £5000 for a watch? Also, why on heart do you need it? I know, I know, classic rant of an idiot that can’t reach it, but still. I would have free rent for a year with that money. I start feeling troubled, and can’t stop thinking of Giovanni Verga’s Oyster theory: once you move out from the environment that life projected on you, you basically end up dead eaten by a fish.
So commoners should stay commoners.
Waaaaaah! What do I do with all these beams of light? I mean, I was born to be seen and entertain people. Better limit this pizza to once a week, and go back to my gym, Jake Gylehahwavalallah the game is on, I will show the whole world that I can be on Esquire, GQ, Vanity Fair, with a fucking amazing Primark 100% nylon (yuck!) suit and look fabulous and damned as you do. IT’S WAR.

Also, can anyone explain me why these magazine can’t feature anything under £10? I mean really? WE ARE POOR. I probably had to skip a meal to buy your glossy pages, and this is how you are being grateful to me Esquire? Thanks, no no really, thanks.

“Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.” -Ernestine Ulmer

If I know about something, it’s totally repression, even if I guess is something that we all have to deal with, but it doesn’t have to be confused with respect.

Repression: (rɪˈprɛʃən/Submit) noun

  • the action of subduing someone or something by force.
    “students sparked off events that ended in brutal repression”
    synonyms: suppression, quelling, quashing, subduing, crushing, squashing, stamping out; More
  • the restraint, prevention, or inhibition of a feeling, quality, etc.
    “the repression of anger can be positively harmful”
    synonyms: restraint, restraining, holding back, keeping back, biting back, suppression,
  • keeping in check, control, keeping under control, stifling, smothering, bottling up; More
    the action or process of suppressing a thought or desire in oneself so that it remains unconscious.

I repressed my whole being for nearly 20 years, and it’s not just about sexuality, it’s about being who I am, with my freedom of expression. I’ve done it consciously, somehow even willingly (yeah, being into a cult does mess up with you brain a bit); but now I’m free to be who I am, truly am, and I have the freedom of being free -if this makes sense- and I am so grateful for that. My ex family didn’t really approve, but rather I got compared to a pedophile, a murderer or other nasty things, while at the same time they tried to sweet-coat everything with love, as all the other people that left me behind did. They repeat themselves that they love me, but don’t approve my choices, and they build a wall made of ignorance and judgement. This explains rather clearly my vision on it:
Instagram post

I don’t feel anger, or resentment, I am just sad that these people don’t have the strength to accept their own feeling but obey to a duty. I would rather hear them saying: “I can’t love you the way you are” rather than, “I love only part of you, if you want me to love the rest, well you need to change (repress)”. So I decided that enough is enough, and I made them face their own decision, instead of politically correct swallow their misplaced poisoned love. The answer? A capital-letter: “YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF” written as reply.
I will never be ashamed of my self, I am a strong willed, independent man, that took his life in his hands and decided to not be subdued to bullies anymore, all with grace, calm and kindness; I stood up for my self, when no one did, and I will never betray the smile I see everyday back in the mirror. I know who I am, I try to be a good person, and fight for my survival, my life and at the same time help others on the way.
So yes, I am not ashamed to say to you: “I’m afraid, if you don’t like me the way I am, I rather have you spending your energy elsewhere.” exfamily, exfriends or anyone else.

In 77 countries, it is still illegal being you. Those who belong to the LGBTA+ community get ridiculed, abused, jailed and often killed. I am tired of passively accepting all of that, we don’t deserve it. How would you feel if tomorrow, you as a blond haired person, or red, or tall, or left handed would suddenly be illegal?
Or someone telling you… you know Andy, I love you but I can’t be with you or have you as an active presence in my life unless you dye your hair back to blue, or unless you stop being so tall, or unless you learn how to use your right hand.
Isn’t this repression?
Aren’t we tired of this?
Haven’t we learnt, that boxing and judging PERSONAL choices doesn’t bring anything good?
Why would you also be so much bother by what I do, who I am, if I do my best to respect your freedom, respect your space?
Would you cut anyone out of your life just because he/she doesn’t eat pizza? (Maybe I would hahah)

Who are we in a place to judge?
But we do it, and at the moment 100 gay men are arrested in Chechnya. (Read it here). I’m tired of being powerless, of being subdued, controlled, restraint.
I have faith in humans, we have proved countless of times what greatness we can achieve, how magnificent and perfect we can be. Read it here!
Let’s all rise, let’s all face up our foes, right into the eyes, and as P!nk sad:

“Have you ever looked fear in the face and said I just don’t care?”

We have a duty in this world to fight against injustice and try to make it a better place. It doesn’t take much, we can do it from our thumb (by sharing, tagging, liking, re-posting) for those who aren’t able to do it other way, or go down in the street and peacefully protest the oppression, we can do it with arts and creativity empowering other people to think and process and embrace. I don’t fight only for me, I fight for whole of those ones who have fought before us.
Let’s not hide behind our finger, if we want a world without fears, we better work on it, while in the mean time let’s eat some dessert.

With love ❤, Andy

“We’re hoping to succeed; we’re okay with failure. We just don’t want to land in between.” David Chang

Hello folks, hope life is treating you well!
I had lots of thoughts these past weeks (it happens sometimes when my 2 unique brain cells bump into each other), and yesterday I had a revelation.
I wish I was one of those people who carry a pen. Not any pen, their pen. I am sure you know what I am talking about, they come in different forms, from geeks to desperate mothers, from successful bankers to dream adventurers.
They all have their own pen and when they take it out, it feels like you can hear the roar of the crowd saying: oooooh. (insert an appropriate GIF here); then anything that happens after has a unique feeling to it. It’s not a pen, it’s a projection of their will.
I envy them because I can’t carry pen first of all as I would lose it 32 seconds after acquiring it and then I would most of the time forgetting to have it.
I admit that I gave in the temptation of having one, and had it around for a while, realising a basic truth, not only is a projection of our will but a consolidation of boundaries.
When you are in a shared moment and prompted to carry on an action and have the choice to either use a shared medium or a personal medium, whenever you chose your own personal thing, it’s like saying: “I do it my way”. A subtle way to make sure your individuality gets the recognition that it deserves, and therefore build respect around you.
The reason why some of us can’t carry a pen is because we struggle with having boundaries, as my art therapist said, it feels as we are torn between Duty and Feelings. Therefore we have the need to embark on the process to learn to listen to our authentic self rather than the self-imposed one.
I am not saying that we will all have a pen tomorrow, but maybe Lucio Fontana was right: “I do not want to make a painting; I want to open up space, create a new dimension, tie in the cosmos, as it endlessly expands beyond the confining plane of the picture.”
We need to open up space FOR ourselves, by delimiting the space that others can have in our lives. Houses can only exist if you build walls, and take away some space from the ground, enclosing it into bricks and giving it a new purpose, then you can either keep the doors open or not, but at least you know that there will be a space that now is yours.
Getting free by creating emotional limits to the emotional abuses that somebody can cause you is a rational and constant effort, but it’s worthy because only in those limits you can truly flourish and nourish yourself. Learning to love your soul, as it is, not as other would be able to accept it, and by knowing who you are, you only let in people who are able to appreciate it.
So peeps, next time, try to have your own pen, pencil or use your blood or as in my case, I might just use whatever I see around.

With love ❤, Andy