Hey pops, hope you are doing better than me! It’s definetely true what they say, once you hit 28 your body starts to rotten! I’m nearly 30, WTF! (I was 5 yesterday!) I feel like I’m 12, still trying to figure out the sh*t out of my life and here my body decides to give me a taster of years to come, a nice horror trailer.
I had a cold for the last 37 Jurassic ages and every week a new muscle of my body gets strained. Honestly, get done with me now!
Anyways, apart from my usual complaints today I wanted to get away from my usual “sitdownandlistentomyshit” post and move to something more entertaining.
As part of my research for my next piece, I’ve been digging the internet for good documentaries and movies, and there’s one I’ve seen last Saturday that its still running around in the empty spaces of my skull!
Its called “In the Crosswind” or “Risttuules”, a beautiful piece of visual art, that takes place in Estonia during the Siberian post 1940ies Russian deportation of Estonian, Latvian, Lithuanian and other ethnic minorities. Those people were condemned to hard labour work in awful condition, parallel to a concentration camp. The story follows Erna, her husband and their daughter, towards a journey of desperation, suffering and liberation.
So, far you might say “Oh well, clique heart breaker war stories”, correct, it would have been exactly that if they didn’t decide to use tableau vivant as main medium of storytelling. Trust me, the trailer just below doesn’t give justice to the amazing visuals, emotionally charged scenes and beautiful, incredibly beautiful and well thought storytelling.
What I liked the most was the incredible effortless in portraying such an heavy subject with almost a worshiping interest. The director of photography did an amazing job in conveying feeling and emotions through breath-taking scenery. I’m not going to say much more as I don’t want to spoiler it to you; so if you have a couple of hours and you find yourself wasting your time refreshing Instagram feeds, or keep seeing “There’s no one around you” on Tinder, please stop… and watch this piece of art.

Have a nice Sunday folks, just keeping this post simple and breezy.

Will soon update you with something else!

Lots of love 💙,
Andy.

P.S If you fancy give a stalk I added some new pictures from the “Glasgow Burlesque Festival 2017“, don’t forget to follow me on @hyperion.nyx on Instagram and if you are free on the 1st of December 2017 come and see me at the “Half Moon” show at the Custom House, Leith, where I will be doing a visual art theatre piece!

I can’t help it, I keep promising my self to post more than just personal rants but it’s not happening! Somehow all my ideas of fashion and lifestyle posts get vacuumed in the black of black holes and I’m left only with raw personal emotions that I feel I need to put out and somehow filter.
I guess we’ll carry certain masks, forever.
I’m currently experiencing another tonsillitis (FYI), last one was in August and it had the unsettling experience of waking up during a panic attack, not breathing, unpleasant, very much.
It’s a couple of days that I can’t sleep, due the sickness, or who knows, maybe all the mental turmoil that I have constantly with me.
I’m listening to this song: Click! and time it’s passing as you would eat pop-corn and realise you got to the bottom too quickly.
What do I possibly have to say that people are interested to read? Why they should read what I write? What I think?
Colors and sounds from my past came back right into my present, as loud and as violent as they could. I am strong, I am fierce, but it shattered me a little, unsettled me. I know that certain things will always be with you, always, but they fade and you forget how powerful emotions linked to it can hit you.
So I felt disappointment again, a raw, intense pure string of disappointment. How can they not understand? How can they not see that their talks are so fucked up that it doesn’t make any sense? How could possibly, ANYONE, say that they want to know how you doing and be in your life and at the same time say that they can’t support you being who you are, because that will mean choose between you and their ideals. How does this even make any sense? Maybe I’m stupid, maybe I’m too proud, but I don’t get it. It hurts so badly when your “family” comes from void, and they just project all their frustration on you. They beg for attention, but at the same time they keep putting their facade on. You just want to scream I CAN’T TAKE YOU ANY LONGER, I HAD IT! Then you do understand tho that there’s pain in their words, that for as fucked up they are, they are suffering. Do I see the pain? Yes. Do I care? Maybe. Am I going to change anything? NO.
It took me 28 long flipping exhausting years, begging for death EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, to conquer my fears and choose between my “life” and me, and I chose me. I chose me, and I will carry on choosing me. The day that I survived my planned suicidal day, I looked at my self in the mirror and promised that I will never compromise my identity, who I am, for anyone anymore, no more hiding behing cameras. Friends, Family, Work, Gods. Here I stand, I won’t, I’m proud, maybe stubborn, but I won’t bend down, even if it means shutting off people that are suffering, even if it means being the “evil” one. I’m done condescending, coming to compromise. You WANT TO BE IN MY LIFE? Then you take me as I am and you are a supporting piece, as I will be for you, full stop. You can’t? You can’t due to religion, personal opinions, but at the same time that makes you suffer? Tough, now walk off.
I’m living my life at full, I might be poor, I might barely make it to the end of the month, but if there’s one thing I’m not going to do anymore is allowing my self to disrespect my self. We all do it, when we let our emotions sometimes get over us and stick with toxic people, toxic relationships, fucked up jobs.
Also, to that fucker that keeps trying posting on my blog, telling that what I do is shit, that I’m no artist, that now gets even weirder because he tries to scare me referring to “potential” people I have around. First of all, if you really want a conversation going, have the balls to give me your details, I’ll be happy to give you a call and discuss all your point of views. I guess its too easy to hide behind a screen? Second, apparently you care about me more than you try to show? As you are the first one to reply to my posts, my videos, any shit that I do. So please baby, get a grip, get a life and get over me. Also, learn how to spell properly next time you come for me.
Now that this grime is out of my chest, and I won’t go back to it anymore, let’s move on.
Creatively wise things are going well, I need to keep reminding my self that at the end I only started less than a year ago. So, everything that I’m achieving at the moment its amazing (maybe lots of luck too). I produced my first ever multi-art experience night, which it had an amazing response, so much support from those who came, incredible; for a moment, for a glimpse of a moment, when I saw all the performers on stage being clapped at, the smiles in the audience, for a ephemeral instant I felt proud of my self, my real self.
I hit a massive creative identity crisis right after that, not knowing how to direct my energies, what to do, why doing it, etc; I can say tho I’m working my way out of it.
There are lots of new things coming up at the horizon, which I’m very very thrilled by, and you’ll soon all know a bit more (if you actually give a shit about it, but if you read till here, I guess you do, and I truly love you for this).
For soooooooo many years I wanted to badly to feel part of a tribe, feel part of hub that gets me, and accepts me and sees me how I really am, and life as soon as you give it a chance helps you bringing these people close to you. Some of them for a night, for a while or for an eternity and that’s the beauty of it.

I am very thankful to all the people that are really part of my life, and they know how much I care for them, how much I try to be part of theirs.

Keep chasing serendipity folks.

Lots of Love 💙,

Andy

I’m such a liar! I promised I was going to review at least a new place in Stockbridge every week, but I failed miserably! I’m sorry!
What’s going on in my life?
Well, few days ago was my birthday, and my first birthday ever! Didn’t do much, after you spend your whole life not celebrating your day of birth, well you don’t really care, but other people do, and it was amazing to see how many actually cared! Some of them wrote amazing and beautiful things, maybe copied from some Google search quotes, but still, they thought of me!
It’s also my first year out of a mind control cult, that drove me to the brick of suicide and nearly left me lifeless, which it did unfortunately for so many other people that couldn’t manage to fight the status-quo and decided to terminate their lives. So, my thought goes to them, to all those trapped beings that couldn’t escape the terrible prison.
I finished reading an amazing book “In order to live” by Yeonmi Park, and it talks about her journey to freedom from North Korea, I couldn’t help it but find my self sobbing in tears understanding to the core her feelings. There’s 8 milion people of Jehovah’s Witnesses trapped in an imaginary North Korea, that can’t help it but to think that a sky version of Kim Jong-un can actually read their mind, or control the weather.

I can’t recommend it enough to read that book, it’s so liberating and eye-opening, also reading what a North-Korea defector had to go through physically and mentally to survive, it’s heart breaking.

Being queer and an ex-cult believer, sometimes still messes up with my head. I wake up in the morning and I need 2/3 minutes to understand what kinda of dream I am living in. Then I realise it’s life, real life, so you smile and embrace the whole of yourself, not leaving even a bit outside you, not denying anything and this is the most liberating and fulfilling feeling.
If happiness exists in this world, to me means being truly yourself and living and accepting yourself to the full.

I have never been happier, of course its tough, when you lose in a blink of an eye all the figures now belonging to your past, when in a blink of an eye your life changes direction, when you have now so much unconditional love that you don’t even know how to deal with it! It’s tough, but freedom, real freedom feels amazing. Freedom from judgments, freedom from labels, freedom from people opinions’s expectations, freedom of speech, freedom of though. It’s like for the first time I can actually walk in my skin, I can actually breath and taste food for the first time.

I just wish all the people that are part of a universe that now hasn’t got anything to do with me anymore, to wake up, to research to never give into fears and start exploring what living really means, what mind control is, what cognitive dissonance is and how the brain works.
I wish they could see beyond made up lies, I don’t say it because I want them back in my life, it doesn’t belong to me that decision, I say it cause I wish they could take their lives back themselves.

Live, love and prosper.

Some more juicy adventures coming soon!

Lots of love,

Andy

Hello gorgeous people, I want to start apologising for not being able to update regularly, so many things have happened!
Life has been so kind lately, giving me all sorts of chances. The biggest ever is that I have been selected as a participant for DEBS (Dancers Emerging Bursary Scheme) with the multi-award winning director and performer Al Seed as mentor! I am so delighted and excited I can’t wait to start!
It means a lot to me at this point of my performing career to get some sort of confirmations. When professionals start believing in you and in your ideals, when you see that at the end you might be very crazy but it’s actually an interesting crazy that even established artistic organisations decide to trust and invest in you, yes, it’s a step forward.

I am also planning my talk-show with Radio Summerhall, it’s such an exciting team and I am really glad they got me on board! It will be broadcasted live on Facebook, so you an extra chance to see my hilarious face talking  sh*t (hopefully not :D)! Will tell you more as soon as it’s all set up!

I’ve met so many interesting people lately that are really proving that this world is such a cool and amazing place to live in, and I’m so so happy to be part of it, can’t believe I lived so many years in a total darkness of such outstanding side of humanity!

Honestly I never felt so much better in my whole short existence!
I actually want to thank all my amazing friends. So supportive and brave, thanks for all your love, thanks for being on my side!
My true family 💙

I dedicate this post to you, I would have never been where I am now without all you incredible and unconditional love! Thanks from the deepest corner of my blue heart!

Lot’s of love 💙
Andy

“Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.” -Ernestine Ulmer

If I know about something, it’s totally repression, even if I guess is something that we all have to deal with, but it doesn’t have to be confused with respect.

Repression: (rɪˈprɛʃən/Submit) noun

  • the action of subduing someone or something by force.
    “students sparked off events that ended in brutal repression”
    synonyms: suppression, quelling, quashing, subduing, crushing, squashing, stamping out; More
  • the restraint, prevention, or inhibition of a feeling, quality, etc.
    “the repression of anger can be positively harmful”
    synonyms: restraint, restraining, holding back, keeping back, biting back, suppression,
  • keeping in check, control, keeping under control, stifling, smothering, bottling up; More
    the action or process of suppressing a thought or desire in oneself so that it remains unconscious.

I repressed my whole being for nearly 20 years, and it’s not just about sexuality, it’s about being who I am, with my freedom of expression. I’ve done it consciously, somehow even willingly (yeah, being into a cult does mess up with you brain a bit); but now I’m free to be who I am, truly am, and I have the freedom of being free -if this makes sense- and I am so grateful for that. My ex family didn’t really approve, but rather I got compared to a pedophile, a murderer or other nasty things, while at the same time they tried to sweet-coat everything with love, as all the other people that left me behind did. They repeat themselves that they love me, but don’t approve my choices, and they build a wall made of ignorance and judgement. This explains rather clearly my vision on it:
Instagram post

I don’t feel anger, or resentment, I am just sad that these people don’t have the strength to accept their own feeling but obey to a duty. I would rather hear them saying: “I can’t love you the way you are” rather than, “I love only part of you, if you want me to love the rest, well you need to change (repress)”. So I decided that enough is enough, and I made them face their own decision, instead of politically correct swallow their misplaced poisoned love. The answer? A capital-letter: “YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF” written as reply.
I will never be ashamed of my self, I am a strong willed, independent man, that took his life in his hands and decided to not be subdued to bullies anymore, all with grace, calm and kindness; I stood up for my self, when no one did, and I will never betray the smile I see everyday back in the mirror. I know who I am, I try to be a good person, and fight for my survival, my life and at the same time help others on the way.
So yes, I am not ashamed to say to you: “I’m afraid, if you don’t like me the way I am, I rather have you spending your energy elsewhere.” exfamily, exfriends or anyone else.

In 77 countries, it is still illegal being you. Those who belong to the LGBTA+ community get ridiculed, abused, jailed and often killed. I am tired of passively accepting all of that, we don’t deserve it. How would you feel if tomorrow, you as a blond haired person, or red, or tall, or left handed would suddenly be illegal?
Or someone telling you… you know Andy, I love you but I can’t be with you or have you as an active presence in my life unless you dye your hair back to blue, or unless you stop being so tall, or unless you learn how to use your right hand.
Isn’t this repression?
Aren’t we tired of this?
Haven’t we learnt, that boxing and judging PERSONAL choices doesn’t bring anything good?
Why would you also be so much bother by what I do, who I am, if I do my best to respect your freedom, respect your space?
Would you cut anyone out of your life just because he/she doesn’t eat pizza? (Maybe I would hahah)

Who are we in a place to judge?
But we do it, and at the moment 100 gay men are arrested in Chechnya. (Read it here). I’m tired of being powerless, of being subdued, controlled, restraint.
I have faith in humans, we have proved countless of times what greatness we can achieve, how magnificent and perfect we can be. Read it here!
Let’s all rise, let’s all face up our foes, right into the eyes, and as P!nk sad:

“Have you ever looked fear in the face and said I just don’t care?”

We have a duty in this world to fight against injustice and try to make it a better place. It doesn’t take much, we can do it from our thumb (by sharing, tagging, liking, re-posting) for those who aren’t able to do it other way, or go down in the street and peacefully protest the oppression, we can do it with arts and creativity empowering other people to think and process and embrace. I don’t fight only for me, I fight for whole of those ones who have fought before us.
Let’s not hide behind our finger, if we want a world without fears, we better work on it, while in the mean time let’s eat some dessert.

With love ❤, Andy

“We’re hoping to succeed; we’re okay with failure. We just don’t want to land in between.” David Chang

Hello folks, hope life is treating you well!
I had lots of thoughts these past weeks (it happens sometimes when my 2 unique brain cells bump into each other), and yesterday I had a revelation.
I wish I was one of those people who carry a pen. Not any pen, their pen. I am sure you know what I am talking about, they come in different forms, from geeks to desperate mothers, from successful bankers to dream adventurers.
They all have their own pen and when they take it out, it feels like you can hear the roar of the crowd saying: oooooh. (insert an appropriate GIF here); then anything that happens after has a unique feeling to it. It’s not a pen, it’s a projection of their will.
I envy them because I can’t carry pen first of all as I would lose it 32 seconds after acquiring it and then I would most of the time forgetting to have it.
I admit that I gave in the temptation of having one, and had it around for a while, realising a basic truth, not only is a projection of our will but a consolidation of boundaries.
When you are in a shared moment and prompted to carry on an action and have the choice to either use a shared medium or a personal medium, whenever you chose your own personal thing, it’s like saying: “I do it my way”. A subtle way to make sure your individuality gets the recognition that it deserves, and therefore build respect around you.
The reason why some of us can’t carry a pen is because we struggle with having boundaries, as my art therapist said, it feels as we are torn between Duty and Feelings. Therefore we have the need to embark on the process to learn to listen to our authentic self rather than the self-imposed one.
I am not saying that we will all have a pen tomorrow, but maybe Lucio Fontana was right: “I do not want to make a painting; I want to open up space, create a new dimension, tie in the cosmos, as it endlessly expands beyond the confining plane of the picture.”
We need to open up space FOR ourselves, by delimiting the space that others can have in our lives. Houses can only exist if you build walls, and take away some space from the ground, enclosing it into bricks and giving it a new purpose, then you can either keep the doors open or not, but at least you know that there will be a space that now is yours.
Getting free by creating emotional limits to the emotional abuses that somebody can cause you is a rational and constant effort, but it’s worthy because only in those limits you can truly flourish and nourish yourself. Learning to love your soul, as it is, not as other would be able to accept it, and by knowing who you are, you only let in people who are able to appreciate it.
So peeps, next time, try to have your own pen, pencil or use your blood or as in my case, I might just use whatever I see around.

With love ❤, Andy

“We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist.” – Son of Baldwin

Hello, gorgeous human beings!

I apologise if I didn’t write anything the last week, but I have been into a deep emotional turmoil that left me with little energy. Now I’m back on track, feeling stronger than ever.
Last Tuesday I wanted to talk about a discovery, one of those treasures that you find while looking for something else, or actually when you don’t know what you looking for.
Somehow I am drawn to butterflies, maybe as a symbol of rebirth, and facing difficulties in life.
Therefore while at the bookstore I glazed on The Beautiful Butterflies of North America a “lost-manuscript” that has been recently found, nearly a century after its compilation, in an archive of a national library.
It compiles a work of over 50 years on classifying these wonderful animals; the author: Titian Peale spent pretty much all his life on this project, other than being a beautiful compilation of meticulous drawing and watercolors, enriched by discovery and analysis of the ephemeral life of these creatures, this book got me thinking (I know, sometimes it happens!) an artist dedicated all his life (hopefully he did other things too) to this. I can’t even commit to a favourite ice-cream! Then I realised that life is about to experiences and nourish what makes you thrive. Like water for a fish, or air for a bird. Long are the days of evolution, where our basic role in the world was to reproduce and full-stop. I personally think (don’t quote me on this) that we have outgrown the basic principle of evolution, now we are finally embracing our existence, which is not just merely getting a somehow copy of our genome, but rather find a space on this planet based on our ideas, social attributions, creativity. This place could be physical, a country where we feel more “adapted” to, or emotional (a social cause, an ideal, a hope), and we spend all our life on it. Like Titian Peale did, we find our corner and we thrive in it, somehow, though, this corner activates the old basic instinct of evolution, where I need mine to survive, rather than yours. Therefore we have wars, and moral battles, cause we feel that our ideals and opinions are threatened. I am a promoter of free will, you can do whatever you want, as long as that doesn’t hurt my freedom or abuse my rights.
That’s why I think the “old morals” are old for a reason, and we just need to get over them.
The fact that someone is trans, gay, a single mother, gipsy, Muslim, blonde, ginger, fat or slim or whatever the f*ck u want, it’s not GOING TO KILL YOU, it is not a threat to your life, or to your genome, so just get along with it. If it is a threat to your or some else’s life, then yes, we have an issue, and yes we might need to discuss options.
I have faith in the human, I have seen how much we have grown and learnt from history (hey, we are not throwing rubbish out the windows anymore) and yes, we have lots to learn but I believe we are on the right track.
I know, I know, with all the shit that’s happening in America, North Korea and Russia, and possibly soon France, you might say: “Andy, goodness me, what the heck you talking about? We are going backwards!”.
We aren’t, these are symptoms of part of a human society that had their evolutionary instinct messing up with their ideas, and they are desperately trying to catch back, trying to hold, trying to keep tangled and restrain what they are seeing that is wiggling away.
The last shot, to close eyes and hope that everyone will want your corner. Guess what, we don’t!

Don’t be a bully, evolve, accept and support, and spend your life doing something beautiful, like compiling a manuscript on butterflies, rather than judging me from your crystal tower.

” Never love a wild thing, Mr Bell… Then the sky. That’s how you’ll end up, Mr Bell. If you let yourself love a wild thing. You’ll end up looking at the sky ” – Holly Golightly

If I have a spirit animal, well Holly Golightly is the one.
A wild thing. With this wanderer spirit engraved into the DNA of my soul. Why do I hate Truman Capote? Because reading your flipping biography on a writer’ story is scary, made of emotions and feelings so much resembling your own.

Pretending not to cry while reading the last few words. Holly, Holly, did you find a place, Holly?
At the end, you realise, she never actually needed to. Her place, was herself, her dreams, her hopes for a better tomorrow. She worked hard on it, ready to give up everything for that.
Feelings.
Damned feelings. What are we, though, without them?
They called me an emotional surgeon, apparently, I have the ability to cut right through them and make myself feel what I want.
Apparently, as it’s not true.
I don’t think I am an emotional surgeon, as none else is, really.
I just manage to see them as they are: feelings; and allow myself to experience them without holding them back when their time is due. I do feel extremely sad when your own family feel compelled to shun you and the things that you do; or when someone who you start to like, becomes someone that you don’t want to see anymore. I have no complaints about this life, it has given me so much and I learnt so plenty, especially in the last few months I realised what words (such as mother, father, family, best friends, friends, partners) actually mean.
I don’t hold my feelings, the love for a mother can thin down as the interest to a best friend. Or feeling extremely connected to a stranger that you won’t see anymore, but that brief, intimate moment felt like 10 years.
Life goes, we need to flow with it. Never withhold emotion, allow yourself to feel, and allow yourself to let go of those emotions.
They are not meant to be trapped in a jar.
So I let go the love of a family, the things of a past me that are clearing out, revealing themselves as they always were. I let myself feel these glimpses of love from unusual encounters and I just embrace whatever comes through as it could be the first and last time that I will be ever able to feel anything like that.
Never withhold, forever changing.
Home isn’t a place, isn’t with someone, home is wherever you decide to let yourself be.
I think parents should read Breakfast at Tiffany’s to their kids, teaching them how to be part of something bigger without renouncing to their individuality. What’s this something bigger? The Earth and the humans.
One Earth, that we live on, maybe just temporarily, but so damnably intensively. I wish to all of those that they haven’t figured it out yet, that there is nothing to figure out, just live.
Get that damned ticket and go to Brazil, no matter what, with your list of the 50iest richest men in Brazil. Live, love and laugh, without regrets.
Never felt better in my whole life, poised for those that will just stare at the sky, wondering.
I am a person with no ambitions yet, or at least, not those that many people have. Maybe because I grew up believing that no matter what you do, things are out of your control, that you can’t change them, you can only try to find a way to “better cope with it”; while waiting for a savior to fix all the mess. While it’s easier to think this way, and it kinda moves you to a “zombie-status”, it’s terribly detrimental if you at one point decide that you actually do care about society, and you do care about the future generations, and you are fed up of waiting for someone, when you know you can actually start feeling better right now.
So here I am, a 27 y.o. trying to have some goals in life that aren’t just “be good”, but more “be good, and try to solve issues”.
At the end, if anyone would have, though “nothing can be changed” we would still be living in terrible conditions with little expectancy from life.
What I love about this society that I’m living in, is that is trying hard to awaken people inside, from the long torpor-like status of fake comforts, teaching them that “feeling something” is right and must be done.
I think we should follow the steps of the original awakeners and start the engine of “change”.
So, that’s it, my ambitious for 2017? Inspiring people to follow their inspirations.
Someone told me I should write my story. I will one day and I will entitle it: “From waiting for a bouquet to growing your own flowers”.

Be brave, be fierce and never forget that no one, on this forever-moving-planet, can live your life for you. They could try to and you might allow it but remember that no one actually can.
Maybe that’s why as much as Holly Golightly I don’t need a “home”, cause my home is the planet Earth; and… spoiler alert… It’s your planet too.